Figuring It Out 101: What They Didn't Tell You About Pregnancy- Love

Unprepared and Unqualified for Motherhood

I haven't made it a secret that I didn't want kids as I was growing up in other blog posts. Whenever I saw a baby or held one, I was one of those people whose eyes were huge and panicky. I never knew what to do with babies and couldn't wait to pass one off.

If I ever told you your baby was cute, in the past, I was probably only saying that to be nice and really didn't mean it. "Wow, Brittany, that was really harsh". Yeah, probably, but that was just who I was. Somewhere along the line, probably when my maturity started to set in, I was tolerant of babies and thought that maybe, just maybe, I would like to have some of my own.

As a first time parent, let me tell you, it's terrifying! The thought of, "What did I get myself into?" as I was pushing my 8lb baby out of my body occurred a few times, but when I had that baby and he was placed into my arms, I looked into that smushed little E.T. looking face and thought, "Wow, this is the most magnificent thing I've ever made. He's so handsome. Squished, but handsome."

Reality and Hormones

You figure that you'll love your child, but you're never fully aware of how much until they are with you, in your arms. That love just overflows and you can't stop looking at your baby. Every few minutes you'll place little kisses on their tiny, head. It just envelopes you and you know that if anything were to happen to your baby, you would avenge anyone who did them wrong.

Having babies is addicting. There is that unconditional love and codependency that develops and when your baby gets older, they won't need you as much. Your arms feel empty and you'll start looking at all of their baby pictures and when you see someone else's newborn baby, your womb literally aches.

When you look at your spouse, they say, "Don't even think about it," because when you look at them, they see your hopeful eyes, the ones that say, "Let's have another," and they are thinking, "Woman, we just had one." Babies are addicting, almost like a drug. When they are new and shiny, you're tired and euphoric; an odd combination that works.

There's not always a logical thought when it comes to wanting to have another baby. Some blame it on hormones and that seems right to me. I didn't use to cry at every movie or commercial that I watched, but those hormones turned me into my mother and I used to make fun of her for doing that.

Oxytocin, adrenaline, endorphins, all hormones that make you love, feel excited and happy, those are all in overdrive when you bond with your baby and they NEVER go away.... Ok, so maybe they'll calm down a bit, but you've experienced motherhood so everything reminds you of your child. You'll find that your thoughts and conversation will turn to them so you'll talk about them to all who will make eye contact with you.

It's a Different Kind of Love

"Well, I think I know what it feels like. I have nieces and nephews and I love them to pieces."

Well so do I, and I do love them to pieces, but it's not the same special bond that you have for your children.

Your children are a result of something that love made. They were made from scratch and at the end of the day, they're yours. It's just more special. I'm sure the feeling is the same for adoption. You're invested in them morning, noon, and night.

Conclusion

I knew that if I had kids that I would love them, but I wasn't prepared for the love that I could contain. I didn't know that having kids would make me a better person because I wanted to be better for them. I didn't know that having kids was going to make me so proud of them. I didn't know that having kids was going to change me, my likes and interests.

I didn't know.

I suspected that I would feel love for them, but I didn't know that it would be so consuming. I didn't know.

PS...

I had a friend who made a very good point. Don't feel bad if love isn't instantaneous. It doesn't happen to everyone the same way or right away. For some mom's they don't always get that chance to bond with their baby right away.

Ex: My friend's daughter was taken to the NICU right away. Her baby needed to be incubated and the mother wasn't able to bond with the baby right away with that first skin to skin contact which is so important in those first moments. Imagine the fear and worry that she had for her baby. I can't speak for my friend, but to be a hormonal, emotional, worried wreck, it probably caused anger or a little bit of resentment towards the baby. It just sometimes happens that way.

Many times when someone gives their baby up for adoption, it is recommended that the birth mother not hold that new baby because that skin to skin connection is so powerful that someone who made an informed decision beforehand can get emotionally attached.

But don't worry! Daddy's don't go through the hormonal and emotional battles that mommy's go through, but they still love their babies. It can take time, but that skin to skin contact, holding, hearing, experiencing baby gets you invested and eventually, that love seeps in, kind of like the same way it happens when dating. Love isn't always instant and at first sight, but once you get to know them, it becomes apparent.